Pre-Valentine’s Day Dread? Get Over It!


Single Catholics, are you dreading Valentine's Day?

I’ve written before about the dread I feel about being single around the holidays, but Valentine’s Day isn’t one of those holidays. It’s just not a day that gets to me.

Here’s why: For one, it does not place as much emphasis on a picture-perfect nuclear family the way Thanksgiving and Christmas do. It’s not a particularly family-oriented day. For that, I am grateful.

The fact that it caters to couples hardly bothers me as much; perhaps because I recently found out that singles make up roughly half the country. I also feel it is extremely narrow in its scope of what love really is.

Think about all the people in your life whom you love and love you. Unless you’re in a relationship with all of them, most of the loves in your life are not romantic. 

Romantic life takes up the vast majority of topics in movies, music, television and magazines, yet it makes up a tiny fraction of our lives. In our insidious and pervasive popular culture, attraction trumps platonic devotion every time. Chemistry trumps friendship. And looks matter more than everything else.

For example, growing up, our Italian nonna would intercept our laundry-doing chores to fold and iron our clothes for us. She did it every time. That is the kind of quiet, devotional love we experience far more than we do the breathless, moonlit seduction of a good-looking party guest. What does it say about us as a people if we revere the looks of a total stranger over the way our grandmother folds laundry? It may seem like a ridiculous example, but give it some thought. I have never, ever seen an article about Grandma’s laundry on the cover of Cosmo magazine. What I do see, aside from a cruel and repulsive image of womanhood, is the message that Grandma’s laundry is not love, or at least not the kind of love that’s worthy of a front cover. A scantily-clad model is, though; and that should be the focus of  all our feelings about love.

What is wrong with that? Everything, if you ask me.

This may not seem to tie in to Valentine’s day, but it most certainly does. How many of us ask our grandmas to be our Valentine? How many of us think if we’re not romantically involved that we’re not loved, or capable of loving? Why should we think that the love of our friends, co-workers, family and pets is fine every other day of the year, but on Valentine’s day it just isn’t enough?

How limiting and narrow-minded of us. And how cruel and dismissive it is towards our loved ones. 

I think, in order to truly see the vastness of the meaning of love, that this is a day not to sit around and pine for a date, but rather to perform a charitable act. 

I have done the same thing — married, in a relationship, single or dating — every year around Valentine’s day. There is a large parish in New York City that serves free lunch for the homeless on the Saturday after Valentine’s Day. My mother used to take me when I was young. We went together until she was too fatigued by coming into the city. So now I go alone.

Every year I see the same faces: lonely, poor, hopeless and defeated. I serve them a hot lunch. They sit for a while, lingering over their last cup of coffee, staring into space, before going back onto the street. But on the way out, they almost always wave and smile. Most of them remember me.

Many of the repeat visitors ask me to be their Valentine. What kind of person would say no? Well, it would seem that the singles who are too wrapped up in their relationship status, who think Valentine’s Day is about candy hearts and flowers and good-looking strangers, who think that love is only about romance, would refuse such an invitation. Many, I suspect, would be horrified at the idea of a homeless person asking such a thing.

But not me. Because I can honestly say that I feel more loving and caring when I’m around those people than I ever would by buying someone a mass-produced card and boxed chocolate. And to me, that’s what should makes Valentine’s Day more all-encompassing than it is.  So I say yes. Of course. I’d love to.

It’s the least I could do.

When I was teaching young children, Valentine’s Day was hands-down my favorite holiday to spend with them. Not only did I get pounds of chocolate (which I brought to the soup kitchen the Saturday after), but I swooned in delight at their cards for me. As the art teacher, I took so much joy in their hand-made efforts. Those red-and-white doilies, awkwardly-cut into hearts, misshapen and imperfect, were absolute beauty to me. I loved their declarations of love and affection, scrawled in their oversized handwriting, slanted and skewed.

To me, that love is true. It is honest and enduring and real and without pretense, manipulation, analytical neuroses and strategic thinking. It is simply pure appreciation for me as I am, regardless of looks, income, status and power. How comforting, how beautiful. What a wonderful reminder of God’s love for us.

Valentines from the kids were far greater rewards than what I was often met with that day: an obligatory store-bought Hallmark from a boyfriend who’d stopped fighting with me just long enough to hand it over, unsigned, followed shortly after by a return to the same fight.

No, thank you. I’d rather be single. 

I am adamant when I say this: If you are single this year for Valentine’s Day, re-think your concept of what true love is. You will soon see how vast and deep and wide the loves in your life are. This is no time to wallow in self-pity just because you don’t have a dinner date. As one wise CatholicMatch member says: “There are so many more important things going on. It’s hardly the worst thing in the world to eat dinner alone.”

I fully agree. Especially when I think of those who came to me to get a hot lunch, or those children who are just learning to draw hearts.

So count your blessings and do some good for others this St. Valentine’s Day. Works of charity are the greatest demonstration of the vast, profound, all-encompassing love we experience daily. 

 

 

 

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15 Comments

  1. Lesley-158563 February 4, 2012

    I give this article TWO BIG Thumbs up! And hooray for Grandmas, too. Mine was just as patient, wise and loving as a person can be.

  2. Maria-155872 February 5, 2012

    Catherine, Thank you for the beautiful essay. The older I get, the more I realize just how much love God shows me through my friends and family. And i agree that giving and getting Valentines from children is about the best thing. Happy Valentines Day
    Maria

  3. Vidal-632983 February 5, 2012

    Valentine should also be about love for out friends and family the way society is now it seems as though you should have a partner and be out in the malls buying gifts but at the same time isnt it just as meaningful to cut flowers from your garden for that special person i have always dreaded the holiday season from thanksgiving to new years and even my birthday and valentines but its during lonely times that we have to count our blessings and make the best out of difficult times lets just keep our heads up and put everything in Gods hands

  4. Jacqueline-198 February 5, 2012

    Valentine’s Day is every day, every day where we share love for one another, simple acts of kindness, something as small as a smile, that smile can be precious to someone who is having a bad day. I had to smile at the part of getting love from friends, family and our pets, one Valentine’s Day I received a gift from my beloved pooch, so yeah, love comes in all shapes and sizes…This Valentine’s Day, show the love by doing for others, I guarantee, we’d all get a multitude of ‘warm and fuzzies’ HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY Y’ALL!!

    • Nina-525092 February 5, 2012

      Thank you Catherine – for putting into words the fact that romantic love is a very small part of our lives. Yet, as you say, society has made it a focal point and a measure we use for our own ‘lovability.’ I struggle with this and I realized that just because there is no romance right now at this point in my life, it doesn’t mean there isn’t love in my life or that I am ‘unlovable.’ Reading your article helped affirm me and I will concentrate on being more ‘loving’ to those that matter to me. Thank you!

  5. Carlo-679944 February 5, 2012

    Awesome story…..you are so right !!
    Carlo

  6. Donnie-811856 February 6, 2012

    It it is what it is. One thing that does bother me a bit is I see on church signs (includiing my own church) all sorts of advertisements for events that are exclusively for “married” people in celebrate of V-day. I have to amdit that’s kind of a downer to see every time I go to mass. With that said I am very thankful for those that are in my life and for what I have. Your article is well stated.

  7. love. <3

  8. Ramona-738757 February 9, 2012

    So love this! As singles we often fail to recognize we have been loved, we are capable of love and we are love. One day out of the year could never express the love I’ve had in my life and wish to give someone.

  9. Jim-397948 February 9, 2012

    Good hearts move forward…looking forward to February 15th

  10. Nancy-591885 February 9, 2012

    I have never felt sorry for myself because of not having a date on Valentine’s Day. The day is filled with too many sweet memories.

  11. Chris-802238 February 9, 2012

    Great article & so true. Ultimately true love is a sacrifice, & a decision. As Christians, we have been given the greatest example of all haven’t we. I love the idea of focusing on charitable acts of true love on Valentines Day.

  12. Gina-705441 February 11, 2012

    Thank you for this article….you spoke the very words from my heart, but of course you spoke them so much better!! ;) Amen, Amen to this!!

  13. Christen-740557 February 12, 2012

    I have been thinking about how Valentine’s Day is for everyone who loves and is loved, not just people in a “relationship.” Thanks for this confirmation!

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