My Last Chance For Finding Love


lastchance

We live in a culture of widespread abundance, at least in material terms. Most of us can easily access plenty of food, transportation, technology and housing.

So why do we look at everything in our lives from a mindset of scarcity? We often look at the wealth we don’t have instead of looking at the blessings we do have. We even have this outlook in our search for love.

When we experience a break-up, we panic that there might not be another chance at love. I suspect that’s what’s behind all the angst we put ourselves through. We ask ourselves, and others, what went wrong and why. We give so many extra chances to a match who is wrong for us, because we want so badly to have someone in our lives.

I thought many times, “I have to make this one work out. I have to, otherwise I’m going to be alone.” It certainly led me down a path of failed relationships. This set me up for a lot of disappointment and hurt.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

But I know I’m not the only one. I see it in the women’s message board on the forums. I see it in discussions with my friends. The mindset of approaching dates and relationships as scarce, is downright self-destructive. We can’t possibly approach anything in our lives as if it was our last chance.

Let’s go back to the example of material things: no one goes around thinking, “I have to get this season’s iPhone 5; otherwise I’ll never have another phone.” No one asks her friends, “Why didn’t I catch that bus? What went wrong? Maybe the bus just isn’t that into me? Time is running out; who knows how many other buses are out there? Why is it so hard to find a trustworthy bus?” Come on. 

One place where this mentality is overtly obvious is on TV. One of my guilty pleasures is the TV show, The Bachelor. To me, it’s the most unfortunate portrayal of the search for love. All the contestants are young, attractive, accomplished and marriage-minded, but those 25 women competing for one man, talk about how he is their last, or only, chance at finding love. I do take into account that the show is scripted; but even so, this is an accurate reflection of the reality I’ve experienced. 

There’s no reason to think that being in a relationship vs. being alone and lonely are our only two options.

One way to approach the search for a relationship is to keep in mind that God truly wants our happiness. As Catholics, we believe that God will provide. And many of us do approach the search for relationships that way. But many of us don’t. That is what saddens me. God does provide, always, in every area of life.

Even if there are few Catholics in your area, or the search for love yields few potential dates, God will help you discover his will. Maybe not now, but when the time is right, God will provide. Time is not running out; we’re working on God’s time.

Instead of thinking, “a good man/woman is hard to find,” or “there is no one here for me,” we could start thinking, “the right person will show up when God thinks I’m ready.” 

There are enough iPhones, enough food, and certainly enough buses available. In fact, this society has more than enough; we are abundant with blessings. It is no different with relationships. God has already blessed us abundantly. Believe that he will always provide.






37 Comments

  1. Daniel-640238 January 29, 2013 Reply

    It’s just so insanely hard to wait for His plan regarding love life, the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced in my life in fact, especially when you are used to going after and working for your goals. Anyone else feel this way?

    • Jaime-556629 January 29, 2013 Reply

      Yes Sir bro I feel that way at times Keep your head up brother

    • Christine-894237 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Yep! Patience and trust is a big challenge. I find Ecclesiastes comforting in this regard. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

    • Christina-933729 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Definitely so, so, so difficult to wait!! I keep telling myself that Trust & Patience are virtues given to us through His grace…….although telling myself that DOESN’T make it any easier!! Ugh!

    • Anne-117477 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Yes, I know what you mean. Any other challenge in life you can take concrete, tangible steps toward achieving. Need a job? Put out resumes. Want to buy a house? Start saving your money. You can measure the results; measure how far you have to go or how long it’s gonna be til you meet your goal. Waiting on God’s timing is harder because you have no way of knowing how long it will take, if you are close or far away, or if it will even happen at all.

      • Daniel-640238 January 30, 2013 Reply

        Exactly Anne!

      • Meesch-691047 January 31, 2013 Reply

        I think that part of the trick is to recognize the ABUNDANCE OF LOVE in your life already! To love yourself as a creation of God, to love the people who bring happiness to your life, to love the challenges that make you stronger or wiser, and to love your situation in life (good or bad) as it is uniquely yours to enjoy or endure! Things tend to reveal themselves once you have faith that you will find them, create an environment to have them revealed, then allow them to manifest. An innocent man died for our salvation, SURELY there are men (or women) alive right now that are meant to complement such an abundance of true love that exists already.

    • Matthew-928862 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Completely agree! I wonder if that it doesn’t apply to men in the same way, since this is written from a more female perspective… As men we are supposed to put ourselves out there and do the initiating: not imprudently or out of desperation, of course! However, if we are waiting for the “perfect” moment, I believe that we will miss out on the opportunity we were supposed to take. “Pray as though everything depends on God, but act as if everything depends on you.” St. Augustine

    • Josephine-611497 January 31, 2013 Reply

      Thinking of abundance is great and the best way forward and putting our hope in God because I like to always remind myself that my hope is in the Lord and not the man who calls me or asks me out. It is good to be among a circle of trust where others can remind you of this when you find it hard.
      Finding a relationship (when typing out seems wiered) lol is very different from seeking employment for instance because when I was looking for a job I was putting the word out there and soliciting every prospect I could, definetely not they way to approach this as far as relationship is concerned.:)

  2. Joanne-922853 January 29, 2013 Reply

    Guys you are great, wonderful men but you got the wrong message!!!!!!!A woman does not want to be thought of as a goal to achieve!!!!!!It will happen naturally maybe do not try so hard,,,,,it will be worth the wait.

    • Daniel-640238 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Joanne, don’t get me wrong, leading a strong Catholic marriage is a “goal” (or need, or desire, etc.) of mine, but I don’t really view individual women as a “goal.”

  3. Renai-414828 January 29, 2013 Reply

    I think my understanding of the comment by Daniel Is goal of achieving a meaningful relationship, I doubt he was referring to women as goals.

  4. AnaLucia-882670 January 29, 2013 Reply

    Muy acertado este articulo. pienso que en ocasiones no entendemos el plan de Dios, Estoy convencida por mi experiencia propia que esa pareja que El tiene llegara cuando Dios crea conveniente y ya este preparada para ello.
    Pero hago una invitacion a todos esos hombres miembros de CM a que den pasos en fe cuando vean que esa mujer les interesa, busque la manera de conocerce, no le den largas al encuentro, no importa el lugar donde ella viva, en Dios siempre vamos seguros.

    • Irene-678371 January 29, 2013 Reply

      De acuerdo contigo en un 50%. Abraham conoció la verdadera voluntad de Dios cuando emprendió un camino,cuando tomó una acción, no se sentó a esperar A veces conforme pasa el tiempo ,nos dejamos abrazar por el temor,y este temor nos hace cometer errores. Algunos el temor a la soledad los lleva a entrar en relaciones inadecuadas, algunos el temor los lleva a la inmovilidad, no hacen nada y esperan que Dios suene una campana sobre la cabeza de alguien,indicándoles que este es el indicado…..Algunos oran pidiendo desesperadamente por la pareja de su vida y cuando alguien se acerca ……..sacan una lista interminable de requisitos que ni ellos mismos llenan.Hay que recordar que el amor es un sentimiento maravilloso de aceptación , somos seres imperfectos per perfectibles y el amor nos hace mejores.Estoy de acuerdo en que cuando un gentil miembro de CM se sienta atraído por una chica, deba acercarse a ella con la misma calidez humana con la que le gustaría que alguien se acercase a él.Dar el primer paso, es un signo de que creemos en que el amor existe y está al alcance de nosotros.Dios nos ama y hay muchos corazones deseosos de compartir su amor con nosotros.No importa si nos equivocamos una vez y otra vez,de repente sucederá que el amor llegará cunado menos lo pienses.Entonces, deberás dar todos los pasos para no dejarlo morir.

  5. Naomi-825244 January 29, 2013 Reply

    I agree with Renai, and have often felt the way Daniel and Jamie do as well. Sometimes my friends would lament “oh woe is me, there are no good guys left out there,” and then some guy friend would lament “where have all the good girls gone?” and I want to bash their heads together and say “open your eyes!!!! She’s been coming to bible study with you for years and you haven’t even noticed each other!!!”

    Just remember, there are thousands of good, holy, Catholic guys and gals out there. All you need is one, and it will likely happen when you least expect and once you have given your will over to God in total.

  6. Sarah-902645 January 29, 2013 Reply

    This article is so true! A good book to read on God’s Will and finding peace with it is “Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart” by Father Jacques Phillipe.
    It is so hard to be patient and content with God’s time, this book has helped me a lot in that regard. :0)

    • Elizabeth-322862 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Just came across this article and your comment / reading recommendation. I will definitely have to check it out… I’ve been struggling so much with patience in terms of finding the right man. Thanks so much! :)

    • Vanessa-496726 January 30, 2013 Reply

      Sarah, I agree completely with this book recommendation!

  7. Candace-587406 January 29, 2013 Reply

    Thanks for the uplifting words. I have to admit that I have thought of relationships in the manner you describe, as far as wanting to save them so I wouldn’t be alone.

  8. Andrew-290721 January 30, 2013 Reply

    But for a woman in her late 30′s or early ’40s who wants dearly to have a family, every man she meets may well be her last chance, and for a man in his 40′s who doesn’t want to marry a woman in her 20′s, every woman he meets may well be his last chance. That stark reality can also be a positive motivating factor for those who are being too picky, if it doesn’t lead them into a truly bad relationship. If you’re driving through the desert, you have to take the “LAST CHANCE GAS” signs seriously. (Having driven through many rural areas in the Midwest, I know whereof I speak.)

    • Kari F. January 31, 2013 Reply

      Andrew I totally agree with you. I am approaching 50 and have never been married and I really do think that I am at that LAST CHANCE place right now. I have already passed by the “able to have children” place with much sorrow. These aging milestones are real and not just a question of patience.

    • Joanna-615441 March 12, 2013 Reply

      Thanks Andrew for posting this. I find it painful when I read these articles written by someone younger than me or someone who already has children. While in my search I have “passed my season” of childbearing. It is painful beyond belief when you are told “God’s time is perfect!” when now that means for me no children of my own when I desired them so much. And no, I didn’t not wait until I was 45 to begin looking.

  9. Michael-906385 January 30, 2013 Reply

    Wonderful article! There is no lack, when God wants us to meet the right person they will be there :). How comforting!

  10. Anthony-931830 January 30, 2013 Reply

    You mention that God will provide when we are ready, but what if we are not ready? I am 43 and do not want to spend my life alone.

  11. Marcella-455205 January 30, 2013 Reply

    O My Lord…this articles are great…but some reson seem a little depresing to me :)…i just had to say how i feel now at 39 and Single… But my life is in the Lords Hands;)

  12. Melanie-909576 January 30, 2013 Reply

    WOW! What an awesome and enlightened article! There is most definintely enough love for everyone. Love is not scarce. It is our trust that is scarce. I am reminded of 1 Corinthians. Love is patient. Love hopes all things. Love trusts.

  13. Michael-692806 January 30, 2013 Reply

    The article contains a lot of truth I believe, however you have to very actively search for a partner if you are going to meet one. Like most things in life if you put in little effort you will get little return and also we are very dependant to some degree on other people. Many of my married friends met their partners through the efforts of other people. Also I am reminded of the saying that you should pray as if everything depended on God and work as if everything depended on yourself which I think means you should never be presumptuous of God delivering something that is within your own ability to obtain…. none of which means unfortunately that it isn’t really hard to meet someone compatible, or that everyone will regardless of how much effort they put in!!!

  14. Vanessa-496726 January 30, 2013 Reply

    I feel that if you truly believe that marriage is your vocation from God, then you can be at peace knowing that He has laid this call on your heart for a reason. For all us go-getters or those still waiting after a long search, this can be such a hard lesson of patience and trust for us to bear!!

    So instead, I daily re-commit this desire He instilled in my heart, BACK to Him in prayer and then put my energy into becoming a woman worthy of such a man I am praying for. Is this hard? Sometimes incredibly so, but He desires my love too! He wants me to trust, love and desire Him with all my heart…and this, this is something I CAN focus on while waiting for Mr Right.

    Take heart and be encouraged.

  15. Trisha-917923 January 31, 2013 Reply

    Wow this is true! God will guide if we continue to give him the control. Yes, we may not always like to wait but his will is better than our own which may lead away from God. He sees everything from above and if we remember we are his child and he loves us so much, we will feel that peace. Praying for your spouse each day can help mold the person who is meant for you. Jesus needs our love first and then he guide that special person into our life. Thanks for this article!

  16. Megan-886134 January 31, 2013 Reply

    This is a great point, and I believe in never viewing anything as scarce, even if it is somewhat. It is understandable you felt that way though because love is sacred and also a need. The concept of viewing everything in abundance is discussed in a favorite book of mine “Making your Life a Work of Art,” by Thomas Crum. You should check out the part on scarcity and let me know what you think.

  17. Andrew-290721 February 4, 2013 Reply

    I was thinking about this some more, and given the day, would like to add that life is much more like football than many of us would like to admit. If it’s the fourth quarter with less than ten minutes left and a team is behind 38-0, no amount of prayer or patience is going to help; all that’s left to do is play out the clock with no hope, which unfortunately is what many of us older, unmarried Catholics are left to do as we wonder why God did not see fit to help us in an obvious way. Sometimes the last bus really is the last bus and one had better not miss it.

  18. Mark-943459 March 18, 2013 Reply

    I see that there”s a lot of angst out there. For us guys, if you wanna have a gf you gotta be somswhat aggressive, but never pushy. Women like a guy that is tactile, they like to be touched like putting your arm around her waist, or walking hand in hand and being a good conversationalist. That’s my experience, anyway. Any body want to comment on this?

  19. Carol-799486 August 13, 2013 Reply

    In my heart of hearts I know that God is a good provider of his children. He does not hurry nor tarry his time for his timing is perfect. He does not waste our bucket of tears, anguish and fears of the unknown
    . As humans we worry when we reach 30′s and 40′s and still not married with children. We get defensive and sad when ask, ‘ why are you not married yet?’
    The fear of loneliness and being alone in your old gray years is a battle that no one can ever win because they are real fears from the heart.
    But we must have this unwavering faith in our master of weaver of our lives, God the Father.
    He knows our heart for our heart is his channel to reach us. Its his cable lines and cellphone lines.
    Material things is important in life and so is a family that you can call your own. Dad said, strike a balance and you won’t go wrong.

  20. Meechee-1111907 July 28, 2014 Reply

    Sooo True. Let’s keep taking chances, it will all be worth it after awhile :)

  21. Joseph-924851 August 3, 2014 Reply

    The problem with that kind of faith is that, necessary and right though it is, it often leaves you feeling lonelier than ever. Despite the preeminent importance of a relationship with God, He’s not cuddling you at night, whispering an audible “I love you,” or opening Himself to us in a way that we as physical, sexual beings crave (and we are physical beings who desire not just spiritual love, but hot sexual congress [with someone we love], if we’re being truly honest with ourselves). We understand, at least intellectually, that God knows what’s best for us, but we (or at least I) think, “Lord, you’re omnipotent. Can’t you do this in such a way that I learn my lessons, but it doesn’t take so much freakin’ time and effort?! You want me to keep trying. Could you maybe throw me a bone once in a while? I’d like a fish, but gosh, at this point, I’m beginning to think I’d settle for a snake.” Sadly, I’ve been intertwined with that very snake more than once. Hell, if I’m being honest, I’ve likely BEEN that snake once or twice.

    Someone above mentioned their “unwavering faith.” Gosh, I envy you. My faith wavers hour to hour, sometimes minute to minute.

  22. Cathy-945421 August 8, 2014 Reply

    Hi Joseph, Oh my gosh! I am right there with you buddy. Well said. It’s a daily struggle to discern what God’s will for me is and to keep the faith. How much should I do/how hard should I try VS how much should let go and let God. ( I often ask Him to please use a 2×4 on me because I don’t seem to get the/any message) I don’t need a man to take care of me, I just want a man as a partner, friend, and lover within a marriage. I have found compatibility without chemistry and chemistry without compatibility and ALMOST settled but didn’t. I want both, and please Lord God, almighty Father, make it sooner rather than later and help me believe and keep the faith. In Jesus name I pray for all of us…Amen. Peace and love, C

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