You’ve been dating a new guy for a couple months now, but he never plans any of the dates. On top of that, you always drive and you always pay.
But we have so much fun together!
You’ve been courting this amazing gal, but you have nothing in common … including faith and morals.
But our chemistry is so awesome!
You’ve been dating your “soul mate” for four years and he has never gone to Mass with you, let alone shown any interest in the Catholic faith.
He asked about God that one time! Besides you don’t understand, we just have this connection!
Have you ever had this conversation with one of your friends? (Or have they had this conversation with you?) Maybe you feel like bashing your head against the wall because what it so obvious to you, and to every other person, is not apparent to your friend.
Maybe you’ve tried to gently counsel your friend that he’s just not “The One.” But it is followed up by a series of tired explanations excusing the very behavior that you and others find concerning.
Have you heard this one before? (You Bachelor fans recognize all the buzz words): “You just don’t understand, I’ve never felt this way before, we just have this connection/chemistry/whatever.”
The thing is, I do understand and you’re not the exception. History is littered with couples who thought that they found “The One“ because they were so caught up in their supposed chemistry.
From Romeo and Juliet (clearly they had communication problems) to Kim Kardashian (I know, I know, but she really is the best worst example I can think of). Kim thought that she was desperately in love until her wedding planning died down. When it was back to reality and the normal ins and outs of a relationship, she quickly (72 days!) changed her mind about being in love.
All kinds of emotions cloud our reason, and so we should depend on the clear-sightedness of family and friends to help us.
Believe me, we’ve all been there. I know for me, there was that intriguing person that I dated/been involved with that I knew wasn’t right for me, but I just couldn’t let him go.
Sometimes our friends whisper that we’re “going through a phase” or “sowing our wild oats” or whatever excuse was made for us. But deep, sometimes really, really deep, down inside we realize that this person was not the right one for us.
We all know that chemistry is an important aspect, but we need to be careful not to make chemistry the sole indicator of a successful relationship. Both chemistry and compatibility need to be present for a relationship to work. There have been and will be lots of people that you have chemistry with, (even after you’re married), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she is your match.
Chemistry is an emotional response that is not always logical. Compatibility is a building block of a good relationship. You’re not going to end up with someone exactly like you, but the important things, such as faith, morals, financial perspective, education, how to raise your children, etc, are the things that you must have in common. Otherwise, you’re in for a rough ride.
In order to have a clear vision about the person that you are courting, it is so important to be chaste in courtship so all those hormones and such don’t confuse you. If your relationship is purely based on sex, you become blinded by your emotions and it is harder to break-up with that person, even when you know they aren’t right for you.
I read on the Singles Gym: “The trouble is people often mistake lust for love. To really trust someone takes time. Hormones don’t know about time.”
Additionally, Jennifer Fulwiler talks about how a logical and mature approach to relationships is harder when you’ve already given your heart in the bedroom and your convictions are clouded. You don’t need to be very physical with someone to know that you have chemistry with them. And you shouldn’t.
Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t right for you. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make them a bad person, obviously there has to be something redeeming about the person you’re interested in, but chemistry is not enough. And when you know he or she isn’t marriage material, then you just have to have that messy breakup and move on to the person that God has planned for you.
Remember that the right person needs to be the kind of person that you not only trust your heart to, but also your immortal soul and the souls of any children God may give you.