Just Kiss Him


Ahmed Sinan

I have heard from so many friends, who, were romantically interested in a guy, but couldn’t quite gain the nerve to express themselves to let him know. In case you can identify with this problem, I will share with you the advice I gave them.

While I understand that your heart is at stake, you must realize your happiness is, too. If you were completely happy by yourself, you wouldn’t consider marriage or a dating relationship on any level. You have to be willing to risk your heart, not just for your own sake, but for the happiness of the other person.

I would often tease my nervous friends, “Well, just kiss him, and then you’ll find out if it’s mutual.”  Of course no one ever took me up on that advice, although all my guy friends admitted, albeit shocked that I would suggest such a thing, that my advice would work.

Kissing would get the message across clear and simple. Granted if these women were so afraid of even verbally expressing how they felt, it would take a lot more courage to actually kiss the guy they like. Faced with the ridiculous kissing option, talking to express themselves didn’t sound so risky, and that was part of my point.

Here is a list of other things that I have done or suggested to help friends get over that fear:

1. Draft a Letter. Writing a letter of what you would want to say to the person you are interested in helps organize your thoughts—even if you never give the letter to the recipient. Sometimes at the end of writing a letter, you realize your feelings are just a “crush”, and that the person doesn’t really have all of the qualities you’re looking for in a spouse, or they have other qualities you couldn’t really live with or even appreciate. Some find it easier to compose themselves through writing, and then avoid having to witness the immediate reaction of the other person.

2. Have a Mock Conversation. I would indulge some friends in mock conversations, playing out the different scenarios they may encounter. This helped those friends voice their fears and vulnerabilities to a trusted friend who loves them anyway. I would try to come up with as many different possible outcomes to allow my friends time to consider how they would react to each one.

3. Take Ballroom Dance Lessons. There is a lot that you can learn about relationships through partnered dance. Trust is the biggest element in making a relationship and your feet work. Even if you’re dancing with complete strangers, you’re still in some small way allowing yourself to take a leap of faith and trusting someone you don’t know very well.

4. Make a Plan, and Set It in Motion. Find other challenges to overcome to build your confidence. Enlist the help of a friend to keep you from backing out of the obligation. If you try it and it doesn’t work out, laugh at your mistakes, and remember we have all experienced failure. Accept that humility, and either try again, or try something else. In that exercise, you will build confidence, grow in humility, and perseverance. These are all attributes that contribute to a successful marriage.

5. Work More on Trusting God. You are an incredible person. I know that, because God has made you uniquely for a very specific reason that is very different from everyone else in your life. So remember He loves you, He has confidence in you, and as long as you trust and depend on Him, you can’t go wrong. He also uniquely made this other person for whom you have feelings. He or she is equally deserving of love from God and other people; so why not show them love, too?

6. It’s Not You. Remind yourself the problem is not you, it’s them. If for some reason another adult can’t handle you expressing your feelings with charity, then they’re not mature enough for a relationship with anyone. Remember how we have all fallen short of grace and hurt God in similar ways. While their response can hurt, keep them in prayer, and hope they will become more loving people.   Congratulate yourself on having saved yourself greater hurt in having a romantic relationship with such an immature person.

7. Just Do It. The choice is yours, but remember that indecision is still a decision. What if you feel it’s too late to express yourself?  The only time it is too late is if the person is married, has made final vows to religious life, or is dead. Until then, make that risk for happiness.  Remember John 8:32, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Jesus made the risk for you; in some small way, return that favor by letting another one of His creatures know the truth: they are loved.






69 Comments

  1. In my whole life, I revealed my true romantic feelings to two male friends. The admissions were very brief and subtle, not at all long winded or intimidating. In both cases, even my good female friends insisted that these men seemed interested in me, and they did pay a lot of attention to me. I swore the feelings were mutual. In both cases, not only was I rejected, but my admissions prompted the beginning of the end of the friendships. Admitting my feelings pretty much ruined my friendships. Would I do it again? Yes, I probably would. I would risk it as long as I’d be willing and ready to lose the friendship.

    • Ann-69118 March 31, 2014

      Pretty much my story as well. Usually if I’m interested they aren’t and if I’m not interested they are. The few guys I did reveal interest in quickly disappeared or firmly stated they they were only interested in friendship. I’ve had a couple that got interested a few years later only to find I had lost complete interest. I don’t hang on to those feelings I let them go but usually can’t get them back once they are gone. In both cases the after a couple years the guys changed their mind but in both cases I was well over them. No hard feeling just couldn’t go back to the romantic ones.

  2. I’m with you, Josephine. I’ve done the same thing a few times and it ended the friendship. Honestly, I have enough guy friends, I’m not gonna cry if I lose one. It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. I’d rather tell my “crush” how I really feel than spend a lifetime pining over him and wondering if he feels the same way. I did this recently, (told him how I felt, didn’t kiss him) and I’m so glad I did, because it turns out that this “perfect Catholic man” that I’d been falling for for months wasn’t so perfect and was DEFINITELY not ready for marriage. Ladies, speak up!

    • Exactly Aisleigh. I’m glad you tried and now know for sure. My goal is to find a husband, not a friend. When I was younger, I might have said differently and not want to ruin the friendship.

      So young women out there, go for the gold. Look past the friendship and take a chance on love.

  3. After reading the comments, I had to re-read the article. Yes, kiss him is aggressive but instead ask him ‘how about we go out on a date together?’ and have a plan to do something novel, or hold his hand while walking.

    I’ve had some women as friends, and totally relaxed because I didn’t have to impress them. That frame of mind led to surprises as the conversations induced a spiral upwards into romantic levels for a woman. If a guy has a Goal he will have to focus himself on that (i.e. make an attempt to impress). Someone else bringing up a Goal may be a (pleasant) surprise. Without a Goal, I’m more carefree around someone, having more fun, but that was endearing with some women (who were likely predisposed towards me). “Talking as a turn-on”, something I read once, was something I have to account for.

  4. I completely disagree with this.

    1) If a man is interested in a woman, he’ll make it happen. This is the way God designed men to pursue. It’s in Song of Songs. Encouragement, openness, and gentleness could attract his attentions as well as make it a little less risky for rejection, but ultimately, if he’s interested, he’ll make it happen. Practice detachment from the situation and stop pining over people.

    2) Kissing (and ANY affection) should NOT be used to determine whether something is there. Physical affection should be an expression of what already exists, not some discernment tool, playing around with emotions. How many kisses get thrown away. Kisses are worth something.

    • Alma-953915 March 30, 2014

      I completely agree with you, Carrie. I feel that this is a response to men not doing their job in pursuing “one” woman. It will never work out well when a woman does the pursuing. I know it, because I’ve seen it happen too many times ending in heartbreak. Also, if someone is not man enough to go after me, he is not worth having my heart. My heart is too precious and delicate to be messed around with by someone who doesn’t think I’m worth pursuing solely.

    • Ann-69118 March 31, 2014

      Totally agree here as well. It’s best to let the guy make the first move. If they are interested enough they will if not then they just aren’t interested in you. You can smile, be friendly and give them opportunities but in the end I’m old school and still think pursuit is their job not mine.

    • Agree with you Ann. I am still the old school. I don’t think kiss should even exist before marriage. If a guy is interested, we don’t need to do anything. I wish arranged marriage would return. A sexualized society, don’t see anything pure or good but only seek to use one another.

      • No, you don’t want it to return.trust me.i am frim India and arranged marriages still exist here and I don’t think the idea or the mindset and attitude it promotes is attractive, just my opinion

    • Girls there is nothing wrong with a kiss it happens all the time in most country’s on first visits besides the US. I think the homely and scared approach is practiced to widely here in the US. Get out and live for love of God! Make your intentions known the guy needs a clue sometimes! No one gets hurt and saving your kisses is mostly psychological suicide, all this pent up emotion.

    • You are so right on, Carrie. If a man is interested in you he will let you know. If he’s not, he will keep you guessing. Move on.

  5. Hmmmmm some interesting comments. I do think the man’s job is to pursue. I do not think it is the woman’s job to pursue. In situations where the woman has pursued in instances that I know of it did not work out. However, I can also see the other point of view. Woman want to know if the man they are interested in is interested in them too. The question would be if a woman reveals her interests to the man she likes is this pursuing the man?????

  6. Yes, because it releases him from having to take any risk. Should everything go the way she is conjuring up in her imagination: he suddenly realizes she’s there and can’t believe he hasn’t seen it before (thank you romantic comedies for giving us this unrealistic plot that if we’re honest, never happens)– and then asks her out (which he already knows the answer, so its not asking, its planning). Then the whole relationship is set up with a precedence of how its going to go. She’s going to be the management person. He had the hard part done for him.

    This is NOT lacking in romance– the romance is in the song of songs. This is how God designed it to be.

    • Joan-529855 March 30, 2014

      THANK YOU CARRIE!! I was really concerned when I read this article. LADIES, please don’t act on the authors advise. You will find yourself in a heap of trouble if you kiss every man you have a “crush” on. You want to REALLY get their attention, boost their ego; DO NOT do anything physical with them.. Tell them what you find attractive about them, COMPLIMENT them, again and again.

  7. I dont necessarily have a problem with a woman taking the lead, but wouldn’t it be better to just ask? Randomly just going for a kiss with a male friend could be very awkward. The reality is though if the guy wanted it to be something more, he would have asked the woman out already. But, if the woman doesnt care that this may ruin the friendship, then yeah, go for it. But talking.. rather than kissing….

    • Problem right there Patrick….women taking the lead? Sorry, Saint Joseph is really one to look up to, after Christ Jesus, that is. What I do agree with you Patrick, is what you said about “if the man is in reality, interested, he will have asked her out.” Yes! Exactly. Thank you for adding that.

  8. Well I think that any time someone male or female reveals to the other that they have feelings for the other the friendship could end if the feelings are not returned. It is a risk.

  9. Joy Kubik March 31, 2014

    A little clarification is needed here. I do NOT advocate randomly running up to any person you are interested in and kissing him/her. I used the word “teasing” in the article, because that’s all it was, just teasing my friends, not advice. I even called it “ridiculous” in the article. It’s okay to laugh…it was meant to be funny. If you’re looking for advice on how to get over your fears in expressing yourself, please refer to the list of seven suggestions listed above (notice kissing is NOT one of them). I used the “Just Kiss Him” as a tagline reminder that you don’t have to let your fears keep you up at night wondering, “What if?” All of my suggestions centered around gaining confidence, trusting in God, and learning how to be forthcoming with your feelings. Thanks to all who are contributing to this discussion through comments!

    • Joan-529855 March 31, 2014

      Joy, you have completely contradicted yourself. I did notice that you didn’t include “kiss him” in the 7 suggestions, but concluded that you were advocating kissing, in addition to the 7 suggestions. If in fact you were not, then this was a poorly written article. In the following statements, “Kissing would get the message across clear and simple. Granted if these women were so afraid of even verbally expressing how they felt, it would take a lot more courage to actually kiss the guy they like. Faced with the ridiculous kissing option, talking to express themselves didn’t sound so risky, and that was part of my point.” it sounds as though you are advocating BOTH, talking and THEN kissing. Again, poorly written, if in fact you are not advocating that the woman kiss the man. I like the suggestions given earlier, saying something like, “I think it would be fun to do something together. What do you think?”

      • I didn’t think it was poorly written. I took it to mean that she was pointing out to her friend that talking to her friend was a lot easier than kissing him.

  10. I am a woman. I embrace my femininity. I am wired to be pursued and captured. This is emotionally, neurologically, and theologically valid. The man is to embrace his masculinity. And he is wired to pursue and capture. To be a tender warrior. When women are encouraged to “pursue” the man, be it a “gentle lead” in asking about “how we go about setting up a date” or “kissing him” to see “what’s in it”…that is sorry to say, absurd. I know you have a website to run, folks, but we can’t change the wiring and enable male sloth and commitment issues, as they peruse the website like a candy store, and never make a selection.

    Truth: if a man is serious about finding and building a marriage-discerning friendship turned relationship, he will be serious about the search and contact, as well as pursuit. I know my worth as a daughter of the king, daughter of my parents who led and modeled correctly as God’s Divine Design, and I’ll be single forever, before “telling a man to ask me on a date” or planting a kiss first. Totally unnatural and poor counsel if I may say….

    Thank you for the discussion, I hope it promotes manhood and womanhood!

  11. Hey, Joy! Just wanted to let you know that someone noticed you were joking with the kissing thing. It WAS a well-written article. Thanks for the empowering advice! :)

  12. It is true that it is generally better when the man takes the lead. However, if a woman likes a guy more than a friend, I dont think there is anything wrong with hinting. Maybe the guy will get the hint, maybe he wont. As for a woman going all the way to ask a guy out, that generally is awkward. That has happened to me a few times and most of the time it ends badly.

    I think the whole kiss part of this article got things a bit of topic. Otherwise, it makes good, valid points.

  13. I think we can see how easy it is to read different things into the written word. I never understood the article to be advocating kissing guys to in order to let them know how you feel.

    While in my perfect world, guys would do the pursuing and girl’s would be the pursued, but I understand that some guys are very shy and just as scared as many women are. From experience, letting a guy know how I feel has meant that I can stopped wondering what his thoughts about me are (it wasn’t mutual). the result – I moved on and stopped dwelling on things. My mother proposed to my father to great success, a friend of mine let her now husband know she liked him by asking when he was going to ask her out, another friend of mine also proposed to her husband. These are perhaps the exceptions but I can only conclude that if it was the right guy it would work out. I know plenty of relationships that started with the guy initiating things that haven’t worked out, at all. Which makes me think that there is no one right way of doing things.

    Still, my personal preference is to be asked out, and I’ll keep praying for my husband everyday.

    • I completely agree with you Helene! I couldn’t have said it better myself (I actually just tried to and after typing it all out decided to just delete it because you really said it best and I couldn’t improve on it).

      I also agree that the article was pretty clear in that it was NOT advocating you go around just kissing a guy to find out if he likes you.

  14. To echo Patrick’s point, if the guy had any interest, well, then he would have asked her out already.

    Ladies, if a guy is looking for someone to marry, then I can assure you, he is looking at every woman outside of his immediate family with intensity of a laser. And if he finds someone he is interested in, then nothing, short of a restraining order or a lawsuit, is going to keep him from wooing her.

    I simply cannot buy the idea that there”s some available guy out there who keeps company with a woman but who never thought of her as a possible spouse (although it does make for a good movie now and then).

    And the idea that a grown male is too shy to make his feelings known for a woman simply doesn”t hold water in my book. I think shyness for either males or females is a teenage phenomenom. Adults are not shy when it comes to dating, whether it is a woman offering a guy her phone number or whether it is a guy asking the woman if she would like to go out on a date.

    In an on-line format, a woman can absolutely visit a profile, say hello, send a note, et cetera, because she is simply making herself noticed. (I cannot emphasize enough that it is really possible that we may simply not know you exist, and you stopping by our profile is comparable to doing something to make yourself noticed in front of us in a public setting.)

    • I’m sure your comments reflect your personal experience, William, but we are all different. Just because you “cannot buy the idea” doesn’t mean it’s not a reality for others.

    • Adults are not shy – sorry, but that is just wrong, especially in today’s world.

  15. William, I wish all men did what you said. I’m just confused most of the time. And Becky, I agree with you, the statement “just kiss him” is to be used in the article as metaphorical.

  16. I learned lots of things from your comments guys and wish me good luck.

    Thank you very much and each of you have a wonderful day!

  17. I had been secretly in love with my best male friend for 3 years. I always assumed he felt the same way but he was very shy. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before either. I saw another woman flirting with him once and I knew that if I didn’t say anything I could lose him forever. So I prayed a lot about it, got the courage and told him how I felt. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done. Sadly he told me he only wanted friendship from me and it pretty much ruined the friendship. I avoided him for months and aside from “hi how are you” at church have not really spoken to him. So in reality, I did lose him regardless. I got myself together, put myself out there and met a wonderful man and we’ve been dating ever since. I realize I was in fantasy world all of those 3 years, assuming he secretly loved me too. The way I see it now, if a guy really wants to be with you he’ll do whatever he can. He won’t play games.

    • Thank you for sharing your story Mariadel. Would you agree that the experience of admitting your feelings, however painful, freed you to move on from your three years of hoping so that you can finally open yourself to a better opportunity?

  18. Joe-786218 March 31, 2014

    It’s the guy’s job to pursue.

    That said, it is still the lady’s job to indicate her interest to someone she likes. The smile, the eye contact, the conversation, etc. I’m okay pursuing, but I will not pursue someone who isn’t showing me she is interested or who is putting me into the friend zone.

    Kissing as a sign of interest is too aggressive. But it is a decent thought exercise when thinking about a particular man Believe that is what the article author intended.

    I can definitely recommend partner dancing. I can tell much about a woman by how she responds to being led. For an introvert like myself, it is a good way to meet and make small talk.

  19. I have to comment on the part of the woman proposing to the man. Although I dont generally think it is a good idea for a woman to ask a man out, in the grand scheme of things, I dont think it is that big of a deal. It may actually turn out to be a good thing in the end. But a woman proposing? Are you kidding me? I anyone were to read my profile, you would see that I was once engaged. Although I technically did the asking, I was so pressured into it, that she might as well have done it. It was the most ant-climatic, unromantic moment that was essentially ruined for me.

    Although it is probably a good idea to discuss getting married before getting engaged, it is the man’s job to propose… pressure free!!!!

  20. I agree with the article. I don’t think it should be left up to the guy to always make the first move. I mean what’s the reason for this site? If you see someone that seems interested, don’t you send a message or emotigram? YES. What’s the difference between online and in-person?

    As a guy I admire the women that know what they want in a relationship and are not afraid to go after it, even though it may mean losing a friendship. Risk it, the same way that a guy risks it. Don’t hold back because you never know if that one special person is just being polite, chivalrous or is just to shy.

  21. Wow, such an array of responses and opinions.

    I’m a big believer that the man should pursue the woman. I feel that’s the way it should be. There are certain circumstances, however, that I feel warrant a woman indicating her interest. There are men who are shy, and I know of many men who befriend women because they are interested in them and don’t know how to say it. Not everyone is the same. Taking a chance and admitting your feelings to a male friend, to me, is still preferable than never knowing whether the feelings are mutual and then watching him meet another woman and walking into the sunset with her.

  22. In most circumstances, I agree with the sentiment that the man should pursue. And, granted, this is a Catholic site so we’re generally coming here with a different outlook than our secular culture… However, I think it’s important to note that the prevailing secular message today suggests that women should act like men and men should act like women. Of course that’s wrong, but for those maybe just coming to the faith in their adult lives, they may have grown up with a with that secular message about relationships, and it’s a challenge to re-orient to a new message. Many men simply don’t know they’re supposed to pursue. It doesn’t make them bad or even immature men, they’re just unaware and have been lied to by our culture. The point being, there may be lots of reasons a man might not be pursuing a particular woman where the woman can take some of the initiative. Sorry ladies, ask God why He made us so oblivious so often :)

  23. I have enjoyed reading this thread -so many varied opinions and feelings attached to this concept of who does what first!!

    Jennifer & William I think you two really captured it best – God created us specifically to fit together and in a certain way – women to be pursued and captured, men to pursue and capture. This site gives all types of personalities the chance to put themselves out there and see who is the best fit. I think the only way that this all works for the benefit of all is to be honest in your profiles and then be prayerful in your pursuit and trust that if you have done your part sharing your information w/out hidden agendas or games, the God is going to do His part in bringing you together with the one He’s designed from the beginning to be your partner.

    Good luck to all!!

    pax/caritas – Dana

  24. Marie O. April 1, 2014

    This is very interesting. I have always believed and been taught that it is the men that should do the asking as many comments on here also state. However, I agree that it is usual in today’s culture that men do not step up to be men in doing this. How many more years are we happy to remain single ladies just waiting for the men to take the lead? We need to be quicker to realise how we need to adapt to the way things are unfortunately in the world today where men will not take the lead and so ladies must be more proactive. Otherwise a long single life awaits us all if we continue to wait always. Catholics should be given better relationship advice on this aspect of finding love to avoid decades more of wasted years of being single.

  25. I had a flirtation going with a woman that I would see occasionally at work and I thought she was signaling romantic interest. I asked her out several times but there was always an excuse–busy that day, not into that activity, etc. I started thinking that if she truly were interested she might suggest a better time or a different activity.

    Eventually I gave up. Some months later I ran into her and she mentioned that she was engaged. I congratulated her and she said, “Yeah, I just wish I were marrying someone I was really attracted to, like you.” I’m pretty sure my jaw was literally hanging open.

    • Michael,

      Consider yourself fortunate. Assuming what she said to you is true, then based on her displayed lack of interest in your earlier attempts to spend time with her, it sounds as if she lacked either the maturity or the intellect to be a worthwhile companion.

    • Looks like you dodged a bullet, Michael. How would you like to be the guy she is marrying but not attracted to?

  26. If a guy’s interested he’ll as a woman’s number/pursue her. period

    • at first i didn’t see my comment posted, so now it’s posted twice and I don’t know how to delete it. Anyway, if it’s the kind of guy who’s “modern” and expects the woman to pursue then he’s not a true traditional Christian and i wouldn’t want him anyway. but for the most part- if he doesn’t pursue u, then no he’s not into you- and I ‘d never advise women to pursue. I can see by some women who’ve commented here that they’ve lost male friends that way- that this is universally true

  27. Why is it the guy’s job to pursue? And I’m asking this as a serious question and not trying to be flippant. And I’m not partial to any particular answer either . I really do want to know if there is written documentation evidencing that it truly is the gentleman’s responsibility to be the pursuer. Does it actually indicate this in the bible or anywhere else?

    And again, I’m not trying to be disrespectful or arguing that anyone is wrong in saying this. I know some people might take this as I’m challenging the statement and that is not at all the case. I just like to know the origins of these kind of things and it occurred to me, that although it’s a widely accepted notion, where did it actually come from? On whose authority?

    • The man should pursue because of you’re the one doing the pursuing 9 times out of ten he’s just not that into you. And any man that is too shy or take iniative is not husband material anyway. Just my personal experience.

      • People often are mistaken by there experiences as to why , more so women about man . . Any man to shy is not husband material . . but first you never experience the nature of being a man and your an expert on husband material.

        Nicole its a mans job to pursue , in fact its not any ones job .
        out side of family all man who pursue are hunters with no respect for woman and its because of lack of respect they are not shy.
        What is shyness but respect.
        There are plenty of genuine ways to get a mans attention , but first is he family material or out to be free and enjoy his apatite for sex.
        If his family material then he will search for a lady within a family circle , not night clubs or women running free out on dates . . we know man are hunters and know women are not smart out on there own . . so what is shy is good.

  28. Has anyone ever read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You?” (The movie was based off of it). It’s really good! It gets into what some commenters have said- basically, that if a guy is interested, he’ll pursue! (It really helped me stop dwelling on certain guys)

    But on the other hand, I think it’s important, in our feminine way, to show that we are interested, either by making a point to strike up conversation with a guy, complimenting him, or (in the case with my now current boyfriend) show up to things he is at or invites you. I think it is a part of being open, and encourages the guy to take that risk, if he is truly interested.

    But seriously, read the book :)

  29. The archetype for marriage set forth by God (eph 5) and Song of Songs is about the man pursuing.

    It is written in the nature. I highly recommend wild at heart and captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge

  30. Julie G. April 2, 2014

    Wow, awesome comments! Carrie, I so agree with you in the thread way back there. And Jenny, I thought the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” was so spot on that I read the entire book at Barnes and Noble one day. :) Although Joy’s piece is well written, I can not help but courteously disagree with the premise that women should pursue men. If it gives you as a woman piece of mind to just let him know how you feel in order for you to move on to prepare your heart for your future spouse, then by ALL means, DO IT! Tell him how you feel! But know that a significant majority of men, no matter how introverted, will probably ask you out IF THEY ARE INTERESTED IN YOU AND READY TO DATE. I capped all of that because hey, maybe he finds you attractive, BUT, maybe he’s just not ready for a relationship. Who knows. What we do know is that if he’s not asking, he’s not really all that interested.

    There is a good book called, “Captivating” by John and Stacy Elderidge that talks about how women want to be pursued and how deep down, men actually want to do the pursuing. In this hyper-sexualized culture, where secular women are literally throwing themselves at men and making sex readily available, I think it would behoove us Catholic women to set a different standard. We want something more than the secular society does…and our men are trying valiantly to be courageously chaste and holy. Let’s let them be MEN. And let’s be women. And let’s set a good example to the rest of the world of how courtship is done in a beautiful way!

  31. If that pic above was taken in Massachusetts, I hope it was snapped before the Governor signed the bill into law banning “upskirt” photos. Just sayin ;)

  32. Joel-9334 April 2, 2014

    Very interesting discussion. I don’t have a problem with initially pursuing a woman, but I’m curious to know to what extent women expect guys to pursue them. I agree with those who say that a woman should somehow let her interest be known. If a guy hints at getting together and the woman doesn’t respond positively, is the guy supposed to continue to pursue? If a woman turns a guy down when he asks her out is he supposed to continue to pursue? If a woman doesn’t give a clear indication or response that she is interested, I’m done pursuing. Regarding Michael’s situation, above, I agree with William’s comment 100% “consider yourself fortunate.” Am I being too cautious here and not fulfilling my responsibilities to be the pursuer?

  33. I disagree that a kiss would ruin a friendship and in fact I believe it would cement the
    emotions that both might feel but are too shy to exhibit! A kiss is just a kiss but a kiss
    with emotion and feeling will light a fire inside the man receiving it and maybe the true
    igniter to start a roaring fire inside his heart and soul! I was married to my wife for 39
    wonderful years and she kissed me the first time we met and I was hers from the instant
    until the day she died and still mourn her untimely death and it has been almost 18 years now and I am still searching for the lady that will use her lips to kiss me and not
    curse me should I try kissing her instead!!!! I will pursue her after she gives me that first kiss through eternity!!!!!

  34. The only issue I have with men doing the pursuing is when women expect the financial burden to be 100% on the man. I think it is generally understood that the man pays for the first date. This should especially be the case since any woman that meet a man online, is taking bit of a leap of faith, so at the very least, she should be expected to pay. I really dont have much an issue paying for the next couple or dates or so, before a relationship has been established. However, once I was dating someone for quite sometime, and I had paid for everything. It was certainly beginning to take a financial toll on myself and it kinda seemed like she was freeloading. She even took it to the rediculous once by refusing to give me change as we approached a tollway booth. I then asked her about this later and she said the burden when it comes to dating is totally on the man to “woo” the woman, and this includes paying 100% of the time. Eventually we “broke” up for other reasons, but it does seem that a lot of more traditional catholic women have similar attitudes. Is this really fair now in a society where women get the majority of college degrees and good paying jobs?

  35. Well as far as making the first move (or not) I’ve ‘been there, done that twice.’ The first, the guy was a good friend, and shy, and I hesitated for many months about making a move, but ultimately it never felt right – whenever I asked in prayer for guidance I always felt blocked and in time the romantic feelings that I had for him (and I believe him for me), faded and we remain good friends to this day. The second time the signs he was giving me were that he was interested, but the signs I was getting from God, was that he wasn’t – but I was single and desperate not to let a chance go by, so I revealed my feelings – cue one very bruised heart, and a lesson in leaving well enough alone. And as much as I hate to say it, I think generally there is some truth in that if a man is interested, he will pursue you. If he’s very shy, he may appear hesitant, he might need a little encouragement, a little assurance that the woman is interested, but he won’t play games with you. He will be the one to text you first, he will be the one who kisses you first – even if he’s gentleman enough to ask. He will the lead, as long as you follow, which is how it should be, in my (humbly) old fashioned opinion.

  36. Joy Kubik April 2, 2014

    Thank you all for thoughtful comments! I just wanted to point out that this article was about expressing yourself, but not about pursuing. I have written about pursuing in another article, titled, “Should Only Men Pursue?” If you haven’t read it already, I recommend it. There was a great discussion going on in the comments section similar to this one.

    So I’m wondering how many people actually read the above article, “Just Kiss Him”, or only read the comments below? Or are people assuming that expressing yourself and sharing your feelings constitutes as pursuing?

    Maybe someone could clear that up for me. Thanks!

  37. Unless a woman is completely happy and accepting of herself; she will never create a successful marriage. Same goes for the male of the human species. You don’t marry to find happiness. This assumption could be why there is so much divorce.

  38. Kate M. April 3, 2014

    As someone who kissed first and is happily married to that man, I would say taking the initiative is not always a bad thing. I was pretty sure he was interested and I went for it. Thank God I did:)
    I also wasted time in my past wondering about someone else. I was close friends and we had a false sense of intimacy. I thought he cared in a different way, if I had just asked sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of time mooning over the wrong person. Sure it is humbling to be rejected, but it gave me a lot more empathy for guys who do it all the time.

  39. Mark J. April 3, 2014

    In the bad old days there used to be a thing called “Leap Year Proposals”: girls were “allowed” to propose to guys in leap years. I strongly suspect that the idea was that if a couple were dating for four years and he still hadn’t proposed, that maybe he was just too shy or afraid of rejection or something, and needed a push.

    I have mixed feelings about the author’s advice. On the one hand, I think most men and most women agree that it’s the man’s job to pursue and the woman’s job to run away or let him catch her. If the woman makes the overtures, she’s taking charge of the relationship, and I can easily see one thing leading to another and ending with a marriage where the wife dominates and the husband is a wuss. (And much as some women say they want to be the head of the family, in reality when a woman finds herself there, she almost always discovers that she has lost all respect for her husband, and she cannot love a man she doesn’t respect.)

    On the other hand, if a guy seems interested in you but just can’t bring himself to ask you out on a date for whatever reason, does it hurt to give him a little reassurance? If he thinks you’re out of his league, maybe some hint that if he did ask, you’d say yes? Or at least not laugh hysterically and tell everyone around that this presumptuous idiot thought he had a chance with YOU?

    BTW, not long ago my (college-age) daughter told me about two guys who asked her out, but who asked her in ways where they had built in escape clauses if she said no. For example, one spun some whole story about, What if we had this hypothetical conversation, and in this conversation I said this, what would you say, etc? building up by a long slow process to hypothetically asking her out. She said that even if she had been interested in him, this would have killed it, because if he doesn’t have the guts to just ask her out, he’s just not man enough for her.

  40. A woman once said, “How do I know if he is interested in me?” Here is the answer: If a man is interested in a woman, she will know it. Even if he is “slammed” at work, sick, or enclosed in a block of ice…he will get his intentions across to that woman! I agree!

  41. One time in my younger days,after a glass of wine,I leaned over and kissed a guy I knew and worked with as we were talking ! Just a sweet little kiss . I had a crush on him, he didn’t know it! We got married years later ! And he always asked me ,during our marriage in between other kisses, to kiss him. I loved it ! But showing one that you care is a good thing,after you get to know him or her. It’s the appetizer . It’s finding out Things , is it not? Blessings. CAROLE

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